I will not sugar-coat this but will just come right out and say this has been HARD! I love that little girl with all my being but it has been quite an adjustment for me. I will be the first to admit that this has not come to me as naturally as I thought it would. While I was pregnant, so many people tried to warn me about the sleep deprivation. I tried to imagine what that would be like and prepare myself but there is not preparing for that. Handling one night of sleep deprivation is one thing, but several in a row takes its toll on a person.
I guess I have had some "baby blues". The first few days after being home I couldn't make it through a meal without crying. I would just start crying for no reason. Or I would look at that perfect little person that we created and just start bawling from the overwhelming emotions I felt just looking at her. I have gotten better with the crying. Now, when I cry I usually have a reason and it's usually frustration.
I have been having lots of doubts about my abilities as a mother. She is such a sweet, undemanding little sweetie pie and I sometimes still feel like I can't make her happy at times. I find myself thinking that I can't wait until she can walk and talk. I know that one day I will regret wishing her infancy away. So, I try to stop myself when I feel that way. I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately and trying to stop those feelings as well.
Breastfeeding was very hard at first. She latched on very well and all the nurses at the hospital told me how "lucky" I was for it to be going so well. I soldiered through the sore nipples but seriously considered giving it up many times. Clay and I bought a breast pump last weekend so that I could start pumping and he could help with the feedings. She has taken a bottle a couple of times but didn't seem to enthused about it this morning. Then, I start to worry that I will never been able to leave her with anyone and I will be confined to this house forever! It's been two weeks and the time I've spend at this computer this morning is the only alone time I've had so far. I never realized how much I needed my "me time" before.
Please don't get me wrong, I love Mia very much but this is a huge adjustment. I am so happy that I have Clay here to help me through this. He has truly been wonderful and I love him even more for it. He is such a wonderful father and is so involved in Mia. He jumps at any opportunity to help me out, to hold her, and to even change her diapers!
I have been telling myself this morning that she is just 2 weeks old and we won't always be in this "adjustment" period. She will eventually take a bottle and Clay and I will eventually get some time to ourselves again. I do miss that. I miss little things like sitting on the couch with just him and his arm around me. Speaking of which, I am wasting valuable time with him by being on this computer. Enjoy the pictures and I will update again soon...hopefully. :)
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1 comment:
I know exactly how you feel....I had the blues for several days and wondered if I would ever feel like the moms I know in this world. I thought to myself - there is NO way all the great mothers in this world have felt like this...what have I gotten into.
but, just like everyone says - it did pass.
I hope each day is gettin easier for you. I think that each day we are doing better, but then once every few days Charli will throw a rough night in there for us!
I am pumping exclusivly, and trying to make the transition to formula. That also made for some emotional days - I felt so bad for not being able to tough it out like everyone else can/did...but I am over that now :-) especially when I can roll over and ask DH to go feed her!
I pray that we both get a good nights sleep soon!
PS - what is your email address...I dont get to check babyfit very often, but with our little girls one day apart, I thought we might be good for eachother to vent to!! i am bkborg@frontiernet.net
take care :-)
brendakay - babyfit!
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